It's Not Really About Monogamy or Non-Monogamy
It's about how honest you can get with yourself and your partner.
A lot of ideas have been swirling in my head this week around relationship structures.
I asked my Instagram community how they would identify their relationship style, mostly because I’ve been feeling like this is a conversation I want to start having more often. Not because I want to tell anyone what they should choose, or what is better, or what is more evolved. I really don't think that’s my place, but what I want to do is open the conversation and talk about the process of having these conversations with your partner. These conversations can be a challenge and if we do decide to try something new that can be a lot to navigate. So it’s more of a conversation about the process and ideas, not what is better than the other.
I was curious about where people in my community actually land on this scale, because it’s not very black and white either.
The majority of people who responded identified as monogamous, which was not surprising. Monogamy is the relationship structure most of us recognize first. It is what most of us grow up seeing. It is what is usually modeled in families, on tv, in media, and the way people talk about relationships and commitment.
Even if no one sits us down and says, “this is how relationships are supposed to be,” we still learn it and absorb it from our surroundings, by default.
That doesn’t make it wrong. I actually think that is an important part of this conversation. Monogamy is not less interesting or less conscious just because it is the default. For a lot of people, it feels aligned. It often offers safety, commitment, devotion, intimacy, and security that feels really good. It takes a lot of hard work and effort to have a satisfying, strong, and happy monogamous relationship.
But I also think there are a lot of people who enter monogamy just because that’s what you do and we don’t even consider that there are other ways. I certainly didn’t used to consider there were other options. In that way it feels less intentional to be following it just because it is the order of things.
Many people in my poll also identified as non-monogamous in relationships. And this is where things start to get interesting because how you describe a non-monogamous relationship can go a bazillion different ways. Generally, there is some type of relationship or sexuality play happening outside of the two of you. This might look like dating other people, having more than one relationship, dating people together, swinging, exploring sexually with other people, or having more unconventional agreements around lovers. This really is a make it what you want type of structure.
Even saying “non-monogamy” does not really explain much on its own, because of how open ended it is. Some people are emotionally open or sexually open or both. Some couples are exploring together and others only explore separately. Some are very structured about it and some are more casual. Polyamory comes in to play when people have multiple relationships at once. And some people are just curious and still figuring out their version of it.
That is part of why I think this conversation gets hard to talk about. We try to use one word for something that has a lot of different meanings and often varies person to person.
Then I gave one more option in the poll and suggested that people might fall somewhere in-between. There were a good chunk of people who chose that too, which honestly made sense to me.
I gave that option because I think there is a middle place. When testing non-monogamy becomes confusing, your sort of don’t feel like you fit in either bucket.
The middle place is not even one thing - except that I think it is people consciously in the midst of deciding. It could mean being single and dating or not dating and just single. I think it can also mean you are in a relationship, but not quite sold on the traditional expectations that come with it. Maybe it means you are monogamous but curious or maybe it means you and your partner have had conversations, but have not acted on anything. Maybe you’ve done something non-monogamous within your relationship, but in a a very novelty way. And if a label feels like it doesn’t fit, I think that is also information about where you’re at.
Sometimes the in-between tells us a lot. It’s a sign that we are thinking and questioning. We don’t have to be ready to decide. It’s okay to be considering what it means and still feel like you don’t live in the old definition, but also aren’t quite in the new. I think a lot of people are in this space or go through it in waves.
It’s where private thoughts get really honest and curiosity leads the way. That is the part I am interested in. I love the in-between and how we ponder these things in our own minds.
When we are in relationships for a long time, it is natural for them to evolve. Or at least for conversations about evolution to come up. It does not mean anything is wrong with the relationship. It is how we grow and change our minds on anything in our life.
Relationships are not static because people are not static. And we can’t treat them like they are. That is where we get into trouble. We all change. Our needs, desires, and interests can all change. As our relationships go on we also get older. As you get older your body changes. So does the experience of sexuality and pleasure. With that comes change in confidence and how we see ourselves. We become wiser and more expanded people and things within that, like our understanding of intimacy and relationships can evolve.
That curiosity can lead us to learn all kinds of new things and be interested in the conversations about relationship styles. Sometimes that curiosity leads someone from monogamy into non-monogamy or a place in-between. And sometimes you learn all there is know and decide to stay exactly where you are. Even when nothing has ultimately changed, you have opened the door to have new conversation about different ideas.
That is the important part. It’s actually the in-between and conversation, not the final decision that matters.
The meaningful question is, “can we tell the truth about what we are curious about?”
Can we talk about desire and have these conversations without feeling threatened?
Can we bring up ideas without pressuring our partner?
Can we talk about jealousy and fear with a level head?
Can we talk about freedom in sexuality without assuming the relationship is over?
Can we simply curiously explore and not decide anything?
How can we have these hard conversations in a way that deepens our connection?
That is where the conversation about monogamy and non-monogamy becomes bigger. It’s about a lot more, because it brings up all these other hard things. It challenges honesty, jealousy, freedom, independence, codependence, security, desire, fear, anxiety, self-discovery and more. It’s not about logistics and rules, but all the emotions within yourselves and your relationship.
You can learn a lot from these conversations if you stay open to them and face the hard stuff.
You might start to notice where you feel secure and where you do not. You might notice what you need to feel safe in the relationship. You might notice where jealousy lives and how fear comes up when you imagine your relationship through a non-monogamous lens. Or you might notice that you feel confined in a monogamous relationship. You might notice desire in yourself that you have ignored or judged or tucked away because it did not fit the version of you, that you’re “supposed” to be.
All kinds of ugly and vulnerable things can come up. The hardest conversations can be brought to the surface. We shy away from them sometimes, but they aren’t bad. It means the conversation is honest and facing the difficult honesty is where a lot of truth comes out.
Non-monogamous relationships of any kind can be massive opportunities for self-growth. They challenge you and require you to communicate. They ask you to look at emotions that are easy to avoid when the structure of the relationship isn’t questioned. Then not only do you look at them, but you have to learn to handle them.
This opportunity for growth is there, whether or not you ever change your relationship structure. These conversations open doors and will create lasting impact on how you communicate. When you’ve had these conversations and decide to be monogamous, you’re still making an intentional and thoughtful choice. You’re choosing with certainty and that creates feelings of safety.
We are also learning what we believe about love, desire, partnership, and family. It makes us consider what being chosen means to us. It shows us a lot about our trust in ourself and the beliefs that we have. It highlights what is ours versus what we’ve been caring along because someone else handed it to us.
When we can hold these conversations in a healthy way it’s not about convincing anyone to be more open, more evolved, more modern, or anything like that.
It is about becoming more conscious and intentional.
If you choose monogamy, is it because it is truly aligned for you?
If you choose non-monogamy, is it because it is truly aligned for you?
If you are somewhere in-between, can you give yourself permission not to know yet? Or do you need permission to choose what you’re afraid to?
No relationship structure is better than another. They all have their flaws and strong points. They all have their ups and downs.
What matters is that it is honestly chosen, with full consent, by the people in it.
Whether we decide to change our relationship styles or not, I think these conversations are worth exploring. Not because questioning something means we have to change it, but because questioning something can help us understand it more clearly.
That curiosity is the part that I keep coming back to.
The value is in simply asking…
What do I actually believe about relationships?
What do I need to feel supported and to support myself?
What do I desire?
Where are my fears and insecurities?
What have I been taught to want and what is actually me?
What’s important to me?
Our relationship structures are not just about who or how we date, love, experience sexuality, marry, have kids with, or build a life beside.
Relationships reveal how honest we are willing to be with ourselves. They highlight every good and bad, positive and negative, so that we can face them.
Revealing that honesty and truth through curiosity, makes the conversations worth having.
xx Megan
Having been through many of these relationship conversations and having personally been challenged to face these questions, I know hard it is. I know how terrifying and heartbreaking it can be. But I also know how freeing and empowering it is, when you’ve purged through the uncomfortable and ugly emotions, to the other side. The other side is where you find the truth and honesty within yourself that then you will have complete certainty in who you are. I don’t believe these are conversations to shy away from, because no matter where you land at the end, you will forever be a more evolved version of yourself.
I work with clients on these conversations all the time. We have them in relationships, but yet they reflect a desire to grow and evolve in all areas of our life. Each of us wants to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. If you’re challenging life, yourself, and trying to understand where the new you is going, and want some extra support, I’d love to work with you. Reach out any time and we can see if it’s a good fit.