The In-Between Version of You: What Becoming Someone New Feels Like
It's about how honest you can get with yourself and your partner.
Growing up, as a small town millennial I was taught that life has a linear path forward. You know the idea of going to college and getting a job. You’re supposed to work hard and climb that ladder in a linear order, until one day you get there. From there we are supposed to get married, have kids, buy a house and settle down. That is the order of life.
But, you know what, in my nearly 35 years, I have learned that this is rarely how life goes. And you know what else, many of the people who did life in that order are far from happy. So, the order we were taught is out and frankly does not fit what life is like today anyway.
My life sure didn’t go according to this is plan. I did a few things, but not in the way they equated to success as we were told it should. Nobody taught me about going through a difficult relationship or divorce, or encouraged me to travel. Nobody taught me about how much friendships would change or what it means to be the one who is always evolving faster than everyone around them. I don’t have kids or a house that I am settled in. Nobody really told me that life would get hard sometimes.
Nobody mentioned all the weird middle space that makes up most of our lives. It’s not all about end goals or titles or big life accomplishments. All the time and moments in-between are what determine who we are.
The truth is that a lot of life is in the middle spaces. It’s those places in-between where we were someone in our life and then we are working on the next version of ourselves. It’s like when you look at a timeline and you can see the year a war started and the year a war ended, but then there is a space in the middle. That middle space was critical. Think of all the small things that happened in the course of those years. They may not have made it on the timeline, but without those small, yet significant, events the big events might have been entirely different. That middle part is where everything actually changed, even if no one remembers it that way.
Becoming a new version of ourselves is messy, chaotic, vulnerable and full of so much beauty. If we allow it to be, that is.
It can be painful and hard and confusing and sometimes it leaves us in a place where we feel really lost. We might feel lonely and alone. Those feelings are signs that you are outgrowing your life or maybe you have already outgrown it, but you just haven’t moved out of it yet. They aren’t feelings to push down, rather they are ones to notice and consider as a push towards what is next.
Life does not throw us curveballs or challenges, just for fun. Those hard things mean something. Often the bigger and louder it is, the more it’s trying to tell us. Sometimes it’s more painful when we have been stubborn and not listening. That is just another big moment for you to really pay attention. To get the hint and decide what is next. To open yourself up to the change ahead of you. Because these moments are invitations to grow.
Though, that is the hard part isn’t it? Hindsight is 20/20, so once you have outgrown that old version of yourself, you’ll start to see it with more clarity. You won’t really have that clarity while you’re still present in it.
Life is not linear, so you won’t just be in one version of yourself on Monday and figured out the next version by Wednesday. This takes time. It often takes years to fully develop and grow into this next version of you. All the best things take time. What feels like an in-between season, is a season in itself. It is the growing season.
Don't think of it as two separate end goals, because how you treat the middle determines the next outcome. You probably can’t tell the future anymore than I can, so it’s not like you know where it’s taking you anyway. You have to enjoy the ride.
Becoming someone new is uncertain and unknown. If you don’t thrive in the unknown this can feel like a really scary place. It can be one riddled with anxiety and fear. That’s where the approach is different for each person.
Getting through the in-between while you become someone new requires that you support yourself, love yourself, and really listen so that you can do that the best. It requires you to step up, because bigger things are ahead.
I’ve been through a lot of these in-between seasons and as someone who feels really deeply, they can get really emotional. I’ve learned how to be in them and how to keep moving when I have no idea where I am going. I’ve found faith in trusting that what's meant for me will find me, but that it is my job to become the person it needs me to be.
These are some of the reminders that have helped me get through the middle and grow into new versions of myself.
This is probably going to take longer than you want it to. Good things take time and that is just the nature of personal growth. It takes awhile. I believe we have to do it in layers and pieces. The pieces build on each other, so while you might be learning to love solitude now, that may be preparing you to step into bigger self-trust later. There are always bumps along the road and there is not a timeline working on what your mere mortal conscious brain understands. You don’t know what’s coming.
Have a rough plan for what’s next, not a strict one. Think about what is next and what and who you want to become. Dream, plan, manifest, create clarity around it, but let it be flexible enough to continue evolving. Once again, you don’t really know how long it is going to take or what’s next, so stay open to how it all unfolds. If you’re too set on it being a certain way you might miss something really good.
Sometimes the hardest paths have the most beautiful outcomes at the end. Things that are hard to get reach, are always worth it. If you are being challenged and overwhelmed with the process of getting through your in-between season, remind yourself how worth it, it will be when you get there. You will be a person that you don't know today, but when you get there you’ll feel immense love, pride, gratitude and joy.
When you’re struggling, take care of yourself. See your therapist or coach, journal, meditate, write and do the things that help settle your mind. Create space to feel what you’re going through. Listening is really important during this season of life.
Don’t hold onto old things. You’re outgrowing things and often a lot of pain and struggle and tension lives around the old things that you need to let go of. If you’re meant to keep something, it will not be dragging you back to the past. Be willing to let those things go, so that can open space for the new stuff. Things that should stay, will represent the future and your goals.
You can’t protect everyone else in your life. Typically, going from one big version of yourself to the next big version requires some really significant changes to the relationships you are in. This can mean breaking up with your partner or letting go of friendships that weren’t serving you or creating boundaries within family relationships. These are some of the hardest changes, because nobody wants to hurt the people they care about or once cared about and were deeply connected to. But this is a time when you need to be choosing what’s best for you. Staying in places you don’t want to be, because you’re trying not to hurt other people or you don’t want to rock the boat, only ends up hurting people more. You hold other people back when you sacrifice yourself and make those choices for them. Everyone has painful seasons in their life and that is okay. They will be okay. They also need to go through the in-between season of growth to find their next version, so don’t hold them back. It’s okay to choose yourself.
Remember that you don’t need to have yourself fully figured out, before you can have the things you want. While you let go of things, listening for what is next. When you get those intuitive hits telling you what is for you, grab onto it. Don’t feel like you have to figure yourself out first. This goes for relationships, moves, career changes, having children or starting a family. Sometimes we feel like we need to get to a better place first, but I have found that this is often a way of telling ourselves we aren’t good enough. Or it is way to shame or punish ourselves. Or it is a way of letting our fear win. When something enters your life and you get an intuitive hit that it is yours, that is a gift. You don’t have to wait to have it. It’s likely a step towards the version of yourself that you’re growing into. Big life events often propel us into the next thing. They give us a bigger reason to take the dive and follow through.
If you can see the old version of you with clarity from an outside perspective, you’re probably ready to let it go. The question is do you have the courage, gumption, and integrity to step into the unknown journey ahead.
Once you’ve made it through the in-between you’ll look back and realize it wasn’t so bad. By then you’ll have forgotten how difficult it all was, because you persevered and never gave up on yourself and the vision that your life was getting more amazing.
Another thing, I’ve come to understand about the middle spaces, is that they continue for our entire lives. They just change and evolve with us. The in-between space when you are 30 is not the same as the one when you’re 60, but they still always happen.
We have to allow ourselves to grow and evolve and change throughout our lives. We also have to allow that space for the people around us. Becoming someone new is a hard thing to do, so have grace for these beautiful seasons
This is the kind of work that I do with my clients. I know what it is like to have an old version you’ve outgrown and to not know what is next. You don’t have to struggle through it alone. I help you sort through all the pieces and all the layers, to get to what’s next with more clarity and efficiency.
The next version of you is waiting for you to have the courage and gumption to come find it.
xx Megan
