The Stories We Inherit About Sexuality
We can all probably agree that you don't become an adult and suddenly know everything about sexuality. You aren’t automatically good in the bedroom, nor do you have all the skills. You don’t know all the factual information about sex that you probably need. And you probably don’t know about your own sexual preferences or interests either. Sex is something you learn throughout the course of your whole life.
Even though sex is an innate part of being human and often seen as a right of passage into adulthood, most of us don’t arrive there with all the information. A lot of this comes down to sex education and the stories we have inherited. In the western world, very few of us have been fortunate to get quality sex education. You likely learned some of the body basics and can recall a room of snickering middle schoolers, who were too embarrassed to actually learn anything. Maybe your parents gave you a book to read about your body, that you may have read in secret or just hid under your mattress for eternity. A religious figure may have taught you that sex is a sin or only for marriage. The education you received could have been an abstinence approach or religious perspective or maybe it was science based.
Whatever sex education you received, I hope you learned something from it, but for many of us the bulk of our education on sexuality, came from outside the classroom. It was the things we picked up around us and absorbed an understanding of sex. Consider your peers and media. The media you were exposed to gave subliminal education all the time. The people around you taught you what they knew, whether out right or just through the gossip of adolescents. Remember that they also picked up that information in the same messy ways that you did.
Think about the things that were talked about at lunch time or what went on in the locker room. Consider the comparison of bodies as we were all going through puberty. Some people had older friends or siblings who may have taught them a thing or two. Not to mention the sleepovers or parties, where you had free rein to do whatever you wanted. The discovery of porn or watching sex scenes in a movie. What happened behind your bedroom door was for you alone and we all know that some friends were a better influence than others. Even the messages received surrounding situations of sexually assault were teaching us. Today, youth pick these messages up from social media too.
Whether you were an angel child or the rebel, you were exposed to some level of sexuality in your peer groups, that went beyond sex ed class in your school. All these messages you received, stories you heard, ideas you picked up on and lessons, often left a bigger impact than the formal education. As the adolescent mind does, you absorbed them and started to piece together a patchwork quilt of sexual understanding that made sense and seemed plausible to you.
You might be thinking that you don’t remember learning a lot about sex from the peers or community, because nobody talked about it. But even in communities where sex wasn’t talked about or you were not exposed to explicit ideas from your peers, there is still a message that you learn. You learn to keep quiet and not talk about it because that is what everyone else does. Silence and shame are teachers. Even when nobody is saying anything you pick up on it and may not have noticed because the messages are quieter.
Silence is a Teacher
Sexuality is an innate part of being human. It is the most primal and carnal part of us. It is the reason humanity even exists. Because of that, I believe we naturally have an animal curiosity towards sex, but when we are young, we have no idea what that means. Sex education teaches us what that is and what it means in our modern world. It gives us facts and science. Teaches us about our body function. Our parents, peers and the media give us meaning, emotion, words and labels to this thing we knew somewhere deep inside, but didn’t have vocabulary for.
Our animal understanding would be shame and embarrassment free. Open minded and judgement free. The social constructs and silence are what teach us otherwise. Those messages teach us to have judgement about sexuality or feel shame about our own body and sexual expression. Often times those messages are mixed, which can also lead to embarrassment because of the conflict that creates within us.
If this idea of a natural, shame-free, animal curiosity of sexuality is true, imagine the shame and confusion that builds within you when the world around you teaches you to be shameful about your body and your sexuality. That your pleasure and desire is wrong. That your sexuality is something to be embarrassed of and keep hidden.
This happens when the messages given around sexuality are silent. Shame is built when we are told we don't talk about and it’s treated as taboo. This can come from parents, peers, religious figures, other family, or anyone. But remember that even if the sex education and messages you received were seemingly silent, they were still teaching you. The good ole’ “silence speaks louder than words.” Those who are teaching through silence, were likely also taught through silence. Because like you and I they also created their own patchwork quilt of sexual understanding, which was then passed to you.
Sex education and our understanding around it can carry a lot of ancestral trauma. It’s something we have collectively been failing at for centuries. Every generation passes down their layer of it. At some point, in each generation, we recognize that it wasn’t done well before us, so we try to do it better. Some movement is made in the right direction and then the next generation also tries to correct something. So it puts us on this upward spiral that slowly starts to unravel. Like a slinky that has lost its slink.
Right now, we are in a time where the entire sex industry is shifting. Everything from entertainment content to sex education, LGBTQ acceptance and collective openness is making massive strides. We have the media and easy transmission of communication to thank for much of this. But, collectively, we are also waking up. No longer do we want to follow in the footsteps before us, because so many of us have learned a different way. Once you learn a new way it’s very hard to go back to the old way.
In learning to know your intimate self, you also have to learn and understand these stories that you have inherited about sexuality. Part of falling into step with our true intimate self is being able to recognize what is a belief we absorbed and what is ours.
All of the messages and sex education you’ve picked up along the way need to be examined. They tend to stick with us even when we don’t realize it. When you don’t look close enough to notice, that can quietly affect your sexuality, confidence, self-worth, relationships, and your entire relationship with your intimate self.
This is not a time to blame our parents or teachers for not giving us a better education. They did the best they could with what they had. It may not have been perfect, but you can usually assume that they were doing their best. At this point in your life, you are an adult and you need to take responsibility of your own life. You can learn to understand how you were taught and analyze each part. There might be true facts that something came from a misguided childhood lesson, but now it is time to take responsibility.
Many of the things that were passed to you ancestrally or are an old frame of thinking might not feel true to you, when you really think about it. We often hold onto things because it is easier to follow along. It’s easier to stay in the status quo rather than go against it or you just may not have looked that closely. It’s also very difficult, when you are young to challenge the beliefs of adults in your life. You probably didn't have enough understanding to speak for another perspective.
Don’t repeat the shame, by shaming yourself for a lack of integrity in standing up for yourself. When we are adolescents and children we cannot yet truly choose some of these things that we are still learning. It makes you very vulnerable to what is be shown to you.
Put This Into Practice
This entire body of work, The Intimate Self, is about truly discovering your intimate truth and what that means for you. We are exploring sexuality, intimacy, values, relationship standards, ideas, and the deeper parts of your intimate self. One thing that has to be done early in this work is reflection on the stories you have inherited. You’ll likely continue to come up with more of them as you keep exploring your intimate self, but giving it an initial reflection session will help you see everything else with a little more clarity.
When you’re asked why you want traditional values in a relationship, you’ll have the full understanding of it within yourself. Or on the other side of the spectrum, when we explore the ideas of kink, you’ll have clarity on what you are into or not and why. Instead of fumbling for answers, the inner work you are doing will give you clarity.
You can journal through this or just think it through in your mind. I don’t recommend doing this initial work with your partner, but you can later share it with them if you feel comfortable. The purpose is to separate other people’s ideas from your own. You will do this most honestly, alone.
The series of questions below are meant to build off of each other, so start with number 1 and work your way down. Take a screenshot so you can come back to this and work on it in your own time.
As you answer them, remember, that when I say something like “messaging that you received,” I mean anything about sex or your body- formal sex ed, religious teaching, family, silence, peers, media, movies, etc.
As you go through each one, pay attention to what feels like an inherited story and what feels like a belief that truly belongs to you.
Ask Yourself These Questions
What did your family teach you, directly or indirectly, about sexuality?
What did you learn from religion, spirituality, or purity-based messaging, whether or not you personally grew up religious?
What did school or formal sex education teach you about sex, your body, pleasure, consent, safety, or relationships?
What did you learn from friends or peers about sex, bodies, desire, identity, or relationships?
What did you learn sexuality should look like from media, movies, music, social media, or porn?
What did you notice from the adults around you about bodies, confidence, intimacy, relationships, affection, or desire?
What early memories shaped the way you saw your own body?
What did you learn about sexuality from early intimate relationships in your life?
What did you learn and what experiences did you have that made you feel shame or embarrassment?
What messaging do you recall that gave you a sense of confidence, high self-worth, and integrity?
What messages about sexuality, your body, pleasure, desire, relationships, or identity have you carried, that feel like an inherited story?
What beliefs or ideas around your own sexuality and body, do you have that honestly are yours?
What do you want to continue to carry with you and what do you want to release?
As you go forward in discovering the truth of your intimate self, what place do you want to get to within you?
As you walk yourself through all the stories and messaging of sexuality that have surrounded your life, you will gain a new understanding of the cards you were handed and what you desire for yourself as you go forward.
Sexuality is a life force and an energy that impacts every area of our life. Whether directly or indirectly, how empowered we feel in our sexuality impacts success, self-worth, trust, and confidence. The goal is to use your sexuality as an avenue to feeling empowered with knowledge, understanding, and awareness of who you are.
Walk yourself through this body of work and use it as self reflection, but as you do that consider what you can bring to your partner or bring to a future partner. The same openness within yourself can be expanded when you bring it to your relationship, but only once you have done it yourself.
Inherited stories will always come with us through every generation. Your reflection on the patchwork quilt of sex education that you received, can be used as a tool to explore your intimate self. It is the path towards deep growth and empowerment in your individual sexuality.
Love,
Megan