This is Not About Becoming More Sexual
Discovering your intimate self and finding true empowerment in who that person is, is not about becoming an overtly sexual person.
This is not about becoming hyper sexual, louder in bed, wilder, kinkier, more adventurous, or multi-orgasmic. It is not about having the perfect orgasm or being able to achieve it at all times. Those are often bi-products of discovering your intimate self, but it’s not our first goal.
The truth is that sometimes we don’t know what we want. We don’t always love every inch of our body, and sometimes we do spend too much time absorbing other people’s ideas of sexuality.
The Intimate Self also is not about performing a version of sexuality that looks good from the outside. We’re not here to learn to be a pornstar, nor am I going to give you every sex tip in the book.
What we are here for is, learning to feel more safe, peaceful, honest, and connected in the way you experience your own sexuality. It is understanding your own pleasure and what that looks like within your individuality.
Along the way you might learn some great techniques and discover orgasms that take you to the clouds. But the path to those things is through a confidence and complete self-worth around your sexuality. We have to sift through all the messaging we’ve received and ideas from others to find what is yours. Then when you get the mind blowing sex tip, you’ll know it’s for you.
For some people, that might mean becoming more curious and exploring the ideas around kink. For others, it might mean slowing down and exploring more sensuality. It might mean learning how to speak up or face your trauma and shame. It might mean learning to understand the cues and signals of your physical body. It might mean noticing what you have been tolerating or how you’ve been blending into a relationship. It’s discovering where your pleasure has dissolved and where it is trying to expand.
There is not one correct way to be sexual, to experience pleasure, to have an orgasm, or experience the most intimate parts of yourself. There are multitude of ways, all unique to us.
The important work is learning what is true for you. Then what you are experiencing in your sexuality and pleasure is honest. So that when you want multiple orgasms or when you area having trouble finding your pleasure or connecting, you understand why and can old space to love that part of yourself.
Most of us didn't grow up with stellar sex education. If you did, you were blessed. The majority of us grew up with sex ed that came from a place of other people’s shame and embarrassment around sexuality. Which then led us to grow up with confusing messaging around it. Eventually we grow up and are having sex and in relationships and then we don’t have the language or education to understand our own sexuality at its true core. Not to mention what we pick up from porn and the media.
As it goes and at no fault to anyone, our sexuality often gets shaped by expectations, beliefs, and messaging that weren’t necessarily ours to begin with. We absorb ideas about what sex should look like, what desire is, what pleasure is, what our bodies should do or how they should look, what our partners should want, and what is socially acceptable.
The pinnacle of our sexuality is not becoming what you think you are supposed to be. Or becoming what all the messaging taught you. It’s certainly not about fitting in a safe sexuality box.
The deeper work is learning how to tell the truth and discover the truth within your own individual intimate self. In, falling in love with your sexuality, exactly as it is true for you. I guarantee, it is unique and individual to who you are. When you truly feel safe and held in your own sexuality and intimacy, then you can experience the full depth of pleasure.
In The Intimate Self we ask ourselves...
What actually brings me pleasure?
What does an orgasm mean to me?
What am I curious about and where do I want to push the boundaries?
What am I not ready for?
What feels like mine and where have I been people pleasing?
Where have I been performing or doing what everyone told me to?
What helps me feel safe?
This is the work of The Intimate Self.
It’s not about becoming more sexual, at least not directly.
It is becoming more honest and connected with the truth of your individual sexuality.